The Best of Augusta For Real!

Really! No kidding – the best meal we’ve had in Augusta! On Friday David and I made our way downtown to the White Elephant Café on Broad Street. Charson our favorite sushi chef from Matsu Sige had recommended it and knowing that he was also the chef at the Café we had really high hopes for a good meal. For once we were NOT disappointed! The White Elephant has all of the things we look for in a dining experience and at a great price too! The service was right on the money. Our waitress Nicole had an engagingly quick wit and was equally speedy on the delivery of food and beverages. No lollygagging going on at the Elephant! We were also greeted by Jai the owner, and Charson and I was reminded that it is the personal touch that makes the real difference in how a restaurant is run. I noted that other customers were greeted warmly as well and it made no difference if they were old friends or newcomers. All were made to feel welcome. The décor and ambiance is tasteful with a hint of humor and clean scrubbed to a shine just like we like it! The ladies room had some eyelevel framed wisdom to impart…Flush your troubles away…Words to live by! I’m mentioning the food down the bottom again as I often do but in this case because it’s nice to save the best for last. The food was excellent! The starter of sweet potato fries had an incredibly good chipotle dipping sauce. The salads were slathered with a rich, garlic loaded potion that I could slurp by the vat. I had the Peach Filet en Croute – rare – and it was actually perfectly cooked! It was seared on the outside and juicy red on the inside, tender and flavorful topped with a not to sweet peach glaze and sliced peaches. David had the meatballs with couscous – savory meatballs on a bed of fluffy couscous with a fruity-spicy chutney on the side. Both meals vanished without a trace in record time! The only minor nick was the coffee that was not quite on par with the rest of the feast but next time we’ll try the espresso which I suspect will be excellent. Unfortunately the ample portions left us too full for dessert so we’ll have to save that for our next trip….and there will be a next trip very soon I assure you! I’m giving The White Elephant a 9.5…the Best of Augusta on our list and a restaurant that would stand up favorably to good food anywhere!

Ironically Good

While David and Diane continue to explore the Southeastern culinary treasures, I manage to stop in on an oldy but a goody here in Texas. One of my goals this winter is to visit some great places that I haven’t been to for a while…and make sure they’re still great. This last weekend I managed to get by a favorite burger place in Waco, Tx. “The Health Camp” has been in business since 1949. “Burgers, Health?” you might ask. Well, there’s my irony. The Health Camp is a dive with greasy diner style burgers. I guess that back in 1949 that was considered healthy. Healthy or not, delicious they are. The burgers are classic diner style…greasy (not too much so) with a good flavor. Made fresh to order. “Mayo or Mustard…all the way?” is what they ask you when you place your order. The shakes and malts are a must have…made fresh from scratch. A cheeseburger will run you about $2.50 and a shake about $1.50. Back in the 80s they were written up in the Washington Post and The Dallas Morning News as one of the great burger places in America. Some friends have told me they think it is not as good as it used to be. I’m not sure whether we are just older or that is actually the case. I can tell you that the burger I had on Sunday was delic-ariffic. It’s nothing fancy, but I think it is excellent. When you stop in, you will see the old newspaper writeups on the wall, along with some old pictures of Waco. There a few aerials of the “circle” where the restaurant is located that look like they were taken from a crop duster with a brownie. The booths are old but clean. And there is a jukebox. The current model is a modern CD based one. It’s less nostalgic, but has a better selection. If there are a bunch of locals in the restaurant I usually select some Metallica on the jukebox right before I walk out the door. Where is this place? Exit Valley Mills off I-35 in Waco. It’s on “The Circle”. I imagine that this traffic circle was an important and busy place back in “the day”. It’s not much these days, but seems to be making a comeback with more restaurants building up nearby. Have you ever been in a traffic circle? Imagine 4+ roads coming together. Instead of a stop sign or light, all of the roads dead end into this circle. You then drive around the circle until you get to the road you want to be on. It’s a very silly concept that you don’t see built anymore. This one is true genius; it’s a 2 lane traffic circle! BTW, don’t get in the inner lane if you plan on getting out of the circle. As you enter the circle, you will see a nice (and recently refurbished) place called the Elite Diner and next to it a completely un-refurbished Health Camp. It’s a square, squatty, ramshackle little building that looks like it has had little maintenance since it was built in 1949. Old, ramshackle and the perfect ambiance for an old style burger. As we drove off, all we could say was “Mmmmmmmmmmmm.” I give it an 8.5 on the old Heave O' Meter.

Luigi's Rerun

While David has already written his thoughts about Luigi’s I feel compelled to add mine as well. Luigi’s got a rating of 2 from us on the Heave O' Meter…and it is one of those places that just made me mad! It has all the potential for a great hole in the wall Italian joint….seedy downtown location, dusky lit Mafioso style interior, blatantly Italian hostess… when we walked in I thought…Great! Some real Italiano in Augusta! When the hostess informed us that we’ll be seated family style with some other folks (but ONLY after she could fill the table of six) I thought GREAT! This means they get really crowded, it must be REALLY good and when we were seated with 2 couples from the area I thought now THIS should be fun! Ahhh huh…well…..sort of. Unfortunately Luigi’s only looks like a Mom & Pop Italian restaurant. What it tastes like is…well…let’s just say oatmeal comes to mind. And after speaking with our dining companions for a few moments it became evident that oatmeal-bland food and lifestyle is exactly what they enjoy. The one couple kept going on about the fact that they’d never really been outside the area (and seemed strangely proud of that fact). The other couple, where only the man was allowed to speak it seems, started off by saying you could order any of the spaghetti dishes in the half-order and it was MUCH cheaper…then went on about how the food at one place was cheap, and the food at another place was really cheap and then topped it off by saying that he thought the best coffee was to be had at Waffle Hut? HUH? Oh dear here we go again….. I ordered a glass of Chianti (which drew censorial glances from the far end of the table) and figured it was going to be another blog-worthy meal. Unfortunately I was right…..! The people watching proved to be the only vaguely spicy portion of our meal. We tried to decide if the sleazy looking girls were pros or just had stock in Mary Kay and Aqua-net. I haven’t seen such architecturally designed hair since Loretta Lynne in the 70’s! Since the strip joint is next door we decided they were probably in for a carb-boosting feast before a hard night of the bump and grind. Back at our table things were going a bit down hill. The couple across from us were pleasant if but much like the food yet to come, unseasoned and really pretty boring. The speaking portion of the couple on the end of the table is a proud member of something called the Beech Island Agricultural Club. He clumsily maneuvered this fact into the conversation by saying that David looked familiar and hadn’t he given an address to the club recently? It seems it’s a ‘gentleman’s club’ where women are only allowed to attend once a year. He gave my Dad a wink and a nudge as he described the group’s activities and libations. He also felt the need to ask if Dad “paahked the caaah in Haaaavrd Yaaaahd’ in a bizarre blend of Kennedyspeak and redneck drawl. As our salads arrived he hijacked the table to say an elaborate grace and I started to contemplate duct tape therapy. But luckily once he dug in he ate with all the enthusiasm that his bulk implied and we were spared further conversation. Oh yes the food… it’s down here at the bottom of this little tale because it was as David put it so “unmemorable”. The salads…$4 a pop, iceburg lettuce, a sprinkle of generic feta cheese, 2 pallid slices of tomato and 1 tiny kalamata olive…not exactly bountiful or flavorful either with it’s coating of fresh from the bottle dressing. I ordered eggplant parmagania, one of my standard favorites. This is not a tough dish to perfect but yet Luigi’s made it tough….literally! The overfried eggplant slabs were so chewy I had to cut them with a knife, no nice mozzarella cheese was in evidence…and the sauce tasted like it was right out of the Delmonte can…..no spices, no garlic…just ground up tomato. David went with the Fettuccine Alfredo…again a relatively simple dish. Luigi’s wanted it so simple they decided to leave out all those pesky things like garlic and cheese…wouldn’t want any flavor getting in the way now would we? Dad had the only reasonably tasty fare with his plate of Moussaka. Though he said it was far from the best he’d ever had he gave it a ‘not bad’… He too has found that to be the standard praise for food in this area. In keeping with the theme of bland is best Luigi’s served up plain white bread (because crusty bread is somehow sinful we’ve decided) with whipped non-cow “buttery” spread on the side. This is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine as I’ve mentioned in previous ramblings but it really ticks me off when it’s served with an $11 entrée! When the meal wrapped up the waitress inquired about coffee. The Waffle Hut aficionado chimed in that it was “Really good!” Ah gee, no thanks I think I’ll pass….on the coffee…..and on Luigi’s.

Donkey Kong:1 - Luigi:0

Luigi's Broad Street Downtown Augusta, Georgia Back in the day, when all of the DK hype had died down, I told Mario not to let his brother go off into the restaurant business. "Stay in the Strawberry Shortcake rescuing trade! It may not have the publicity that it once had, but these trends have a way of coming back even stronger than they were when they first hit the street." Luigi wouldn't listen to me, or Mario. Sad. It seems that Mario's brother must have ended up in the red-light district of Augusta, Georgia. How he got there must be some kind of story. Okay, okay...enough trendy 80's references. Luigi's sucked. From the moment that we parked in front of Fantasy's Showgirls, I just had a feeling that a Taste of America posting was on the menu. No, really...we had to park directly in front of the "gentleman's club"...nice, family setting. From the looks of the strippers going in, remind me to miss "Fantasy's" for my next "guy's night out". Not to worry, the tawdry parade of female flesh was not just limited to parking in front of the nudie bar....no, no...there was more to come. Once inside, I thought I had been dropped into Newark. I think that the words "Tasteful" and "New Jersey" have never (and should never) been uttered in the same breath. Okay, so now they have. The hostess informed us that there was a wait, although there were plenty of large open tables available. We could opt for the "family style" seating, but ONLY when six people had arrived. On that last point, she was...rather insistent. I have no problem with sitting with folks I don't know and having dinner...however, I know that may not be the case with some. We were sat with a prominent member of the Beech Island Agricultural Club and his wife, as well as a couple from Louisville, Georgia who had evidentially found enough within the confines of the CSRA to not ever have to leave - ever. "Never been more than a 100 miles from where I was born," he proudly proclaimed. I think I am beginning to see the root of some of the problems with the CSRA (Central Savannah River Area or "Greater Augusta" - which are also two words which should never be uttered together). The tawdry women? Yep, the strippers all eat at Luigi's before their shift. Well, let's be fair, the over-makeuped, big-haired, trampy-dressed girls sitting at the table next to us MAY not have been strippers...but the way girls dress these days, who can tell? If you are wondering why I have not mentioned the food yet, it is primarily because the food was so unmemorable. According to Diane, "I have opened a can of Ragu that had more flavor." I couldn't agree more. I had the Fetticini Alfredo. For those who are "culinary challenged", Alfredo sauce is heavy whipping cream, parmesan cheese and garlic - that's about it. The white stuff on my pasta, by my estimation, had to be reduced whipping cream. I am sure that they MEANT to put parmesan and garlic in there...because then it would actually be Alfredo sauce. Don't ask me about the $2.00 garlic bread. It just makes me angry....and you wouldn't like me when I am angry. Okay, okay...I am done with the cheesy pop-culture references...perhaps Luigi could use some of this cheese in his Alfredo sauce....then at least it there would be SOME reason to take notice.

Our other "10"...

Today we went with Dad to Watchmaker’s at the Fitzpatrick Hotel in Washington Georgia. It really has become one of our favorites. Their Sunday brunch is just excellent. I’ll have to admit it’s not the most opulent brunch buffet I’ve ever visited but everything they do they do very well. The decor of the restored hotel is lovely with brightly polished wood floors and paneling complementing mellow gold walls covered in tastefully framed watch memorabilia. It's not stuffy or pretentious, just quietly elegant. We arrived ahead of the after-church mob and the place was virtually empty. We were greeted by the hostess with a smile and a “well you’ve been here before so I sure don’t have to tell you what to do”! She’s right, this is our sixth return trip to Watchmaker’s and for good reason… they have great food. This visit was no exception with the highlights being a succulent traveler’s roast pork, superb squash casserole, crispy fried chicken, their specially stone ground grits with creamy shrimp sauce and so many other treats to numerous to list…. The service is always good, but today it was even better than usual. We just had to raise an eyebrow and someone was there to refill coffee or cheerfully fill a request and as the platters on the buffet emptied they were instantly refilled. Dad commented that it was almost like they were reading our minds. All of that would be saying something when they were in the almost empty phase but the fact that the superb service continued even after the place filled to capacity is a testament to how well this staff has been trained. The chef was there to oversee the whole affaire and came by to ask how we enjoyed our meal. It was nice to be able to tell him that it was excellent and mean it whole heartedly. We shall of course return………!

East Texas Burger Co (Mineola, Texas) A++

East Texas Burger Co (Mineola, Texas) This is one of those small town, hole in the wall kind of joints that you absolutely should stop at if you are hungry at all. Great Burgers, fries and pies, with nice atmosphere. Mineola is about an hour and a half East of Dallas on US 80. I was visiting family during the week of Thanksgiving, and stopped in for the first time in years. As we pulled up, we realized 2 things of immediate concern. First, the restaurant was packed and we wondered if we could find a table. Second, we realized that we had the dog in the back seat of the truck. After ducking inside briefly and discussing the issues, we decided to order to go and have a little picnic. This was both good and bad. Bad, because the quaint, disheveled décor really provides that sort of greasy spoon ambience. We managed to soak in some of the ambience and some of the grease as we waited on our order (taking turns with the dog outside on a leash). Both the bric-a-brac and the clientele were certainly eclectic, ranging from locals, to tourists to random bikers passing through. Everyone seemed to be happy to be there. The service was friendly, with smiling employees asking everyone if there was anything else they needed. Considering how busy they were, the 10-15 minutes we waited on our order was not bad at all. The Good was that it was an extremely nice day outside (sunny and 78), and there is a nice little Gazebo around the corner near the railroad museum (if you can call it that). We got to watch a couple of trains come by as a bonus. Now on to the main course, so to speak…Scrumptious down home burgers, in your choice of ¼ or ½ pound sizes. I’m not sure what they put in the burgers, but they have a unique flavor…savory yet different. My family was very impressed with how good these burgers were. The dog was begging like she never had before…I guess she could smell that there was something special about these burgers. The curly fries were excellent too…sort of a succulent greasy potato feast in your mouth…mmmmmmmm! By the time we finished the burgers and fries, we were just too full to try the pies. I hear they are really good. So, now I have to go back with a bigger appetite. So, let's call this one a successful culinary journey...good home made food...and nothing from Sam's Club on the menu!

A New Voice, A New Perspective

In the interest of expanding our horizons, I welcome my friend Drew to the ranks of The Taste of America. In reality, it has only been the taste of wherever Diane and I have visited...with Drew, it adds the dimension of North Texas and....well....wherever else he roams.

Finally, a 10!

Gorizia Worthington Springs, Florida I am having trouble believing it myself. Driving to Cedar Key, Florida on Thanksgiving Day, Diane and I thought we were going to be relegated to eating at - of all decrepit places - McDonald's. It seemed that Mickey D's was the only place cruel enough to have their employees working schelpping McFood, rather than eating turkey and dressing with the family. Our route took us down US Highway 1 to Folkston, Georgia (gateway to the Okefenokee) and from there GA 121 to the Florida state line and FL 121 down to Gainesville. As we crossed Interstate 10, Diane made some rumbling about stopping at the next open McDonald's - out of sheer desperation. I think that her hunger had somehow weakened her mind. The hunger had maddened me as well - I was going to stop. That all ended when we rolled into Worthington Springs, Florida. I am pleased to announce that Gorizia: real Italian Restaurant has received a 10. Let me say that one more time... Gorizia: real Italian Restaurant gets a 10! Stop me, I must be dreaming! We were at once impressed with the eclectic Florida tiki bar motif - not exactly what you would call rural Tuscan....but, then again.... who cares?!?! "No Preachin' No Politikin' No Whinin'" are the rules of the house...good with Diane and I, we are sick of all of the above. It looked like it was someone's house - and I suspect that it may be. Open on Thanksgiving? "Sure...why not...come on over to our house for dinner" was the attitude we found. We ordered - at the owner's recommendation - the lasagne special for $22 for two. At first I thought that seemed a bit high. Of course, that was until I got the first course: a plate o' salad with handmade balsamic vinaigrette and feta cheese. This was a mound of salad! Then came the rolls. Let's just put it this way, there were no vampires stalking us for a day or so after eating this mound of bread. These are the kind of garlic rolls that just ooze butter and garlic down your hand. You have to use a napkin just to eat the bread - that is my kind of roll! By the time the lasagne got there, I was ready for the finale. The entree did not disappoint! A big ol' plate of lasagne that the lady hand cut and personally served to Diane and I.... this was too much to hope for! A place with good food, prompt service AND nice people! I cannot recommend Gorizia any stronger! John will make you a good Italian meal and then sit down and talk about...stuff... with you. According to their web site: "Don't see it on the menu? Just request it! If we have the ingredients...we'll make it." I fully believe that to be true. This is one good place...sorry to keep repeating myself... Toto, we are not in Georgia any more.

The bare necessities

Which aren't all that simple it seems.... David and I were reading some of the posts herein and found that we have been a bit on the negative side. This is not without reason. From our perspective, we are looking for a few simple things from our dining experience: nice people, good atmosphere, quality food and prompt service. At this point, price is not a real consideration. The bare minimum.... 1. For the love of God would you people get over your fear of COWS!! Powdered soybeans and miscellaneous chemicals are NOT cream....and when you add oil to it, it's still NOT cheese, and if it won't melt it's NOT butter. Never has been, never will be...! 2. A smile would be nice... pleasant would be even better. Yes we know you hate your job, and we really don't care! Smile dammit! No really, just look like you don't hate us on sight...that's a start. 3. Fill 'er up! Yes...we do drink more water than someone lost for days in the wilds of the Arizona desert...So??? Keep it comin' ! 4. Cleanliness is next to Godliness... and with all the preaching around here you'd think they'd get THAT one right. Fluffy toilet seat covers are great when it's only your bum that's using it but in a public restroom...EEEwwww! And another thing... ever look closely at all the decor crap hanging from the ceiling (fake flowers, clowns, etc) if you just HAVE to have them could you at least scrape the layer of grease and hair off them every now & again? 5. Food that is made at least in part from scratch? Yeah that's right give the microwave a rest and make something that wasn't dumped right out of the bag from Sam's Club. So what do we require, really? Friendly, competant service (with the accent on the friendly)...real food...clean surroundings. That's all!

Badge Of Shame

Sunday started off with another round of "the Quest". Surely today we would find something tolerable to eat in Augusta. Considering that the "Best of Augusta" moniker was laid upon the Mellow Mushroom as the "Best New Restaurant"...I am not putting too much stock in the "Best Of..." Not that there is anything wrong with the Mellow Mushroom - but it is a chain. If a chain is the "Best Of..." anything, then we are sorely lacking. Bottom line: Augusta is sorely lacking. Augusta Magazine's "Best Of Augusta" seems to be awarded to...pretty much everyone. I almost expected to see "Best Guy Named Larry" (I am sure it was there, if had only looked hard enough) Rhinehart's was one of our stops today. After a fairly decent pizza at The Pizza Joint on Broad Street, we went in search of coffee and desert. Surely one of the "Best of Augusta" would have a slice of Key Lime and some Java. This was not to be.... Scooter (no, I am not kidding, that was the kid's name) informed us that, "We don't got coffee." I guess sobering up drunks really doesn't rate high on Rhinehart's "to-do" list. We didn't stay. Instead, we drove on up Washington Road to R. Gabriel's Coffee Shop. Finally, a place where the girl (who had a certain Bridget Fonda thing going) behind the counter was nice....the coffee was good....and the cake was decent. Oddly, R. Gabriel's Coffee Shop did not rate in the "Best Of..." that we could find. This is a good sign! We will be back...and THAT is the highest praise I can give any restaurant in Augusta...so far.

Scales Of Justice (The Heave-O-Meter)

Diane and I were trying to compare the horrific experience at Calvin's to some of our other stomach wrenching dining in the South and realized that we needed some sort of scale with which to rate such things. Mind you, this is subjective on my part, so Diane may tend to disagree - although not by much. This scale is admittedly slanted toward the lower end. I would not have to do this if the food in this area would not cause my lower end to slant. So, here is my first stab at a Heave-O-Meter: 1. Stomach Pump - a danger to the public health. The kind of dining which offers such delights as stomach cramps, late-night visits to the Kaopectate lounge and a round trip ticket for the meal d'jour. Examples: Amanda's in Aiken, The Villa South in Sandersville 2. Go To Your Room! - the place that restaurant owners should be ashamed of. These are especially bad because they have potential....which is wasted. Examples: Hot Food by Calvin in Augusta, Blue Desert Cafe in Cedar Key 3. Happy Place - not because they are a happy place, but for the need for me to "go to my happy place" during or after the meal - lest I go postal on the server. Peggy's in Wrens, Miss Cheryl's in Stapleton, Midville Diner in Midville, Boll Weevil Cafe in Augusta...the list goes on and on.... 4. Ed Wood - Holy Crap! What is that on the plate? Is it a B-Horror Movie or is it dinner? An overall scary experience, either from a culinary perspective or just plain freaky people. Examples: Shoney's in Livonia, Hardee's in Livonia, Just about everywhere in Livonia, The Villa South Sandersville (again), Broad Street Bistro in Louisville...I could go on, but for the love of things Holy, I won't. 5. It Could Be Worse - of course, it could be better too! The food at such places probably won't make you physically ill, the service probably won't require that you post bond at the local jail...but it just wasn't that good either. Examples: Malley's in Augusta 6. A Relative Term - "Good" almost comes to mind, but only when you realize that you are in The South and good doesn't mean the same thing round these parts. Example: The Mexican Place in Wrens (always forget the name) 7. Hit and Miss - You can't get everything right. Either the food was great and the service was horrible or vice versa. Example: The diner outside of Hinesville, GA 8. Solid - Good food, good service, good people. Solid performance across the board. Examples: Russell's on US 21 outside of Beaufort, the diner at the corner of GA RTE 17 and US 301 9. We'll Be Back - something special. Something about this place makes us remember the experience (in a good way)...the personal touch....the phenomenal food....something is...inspired. Examples: Katherine's in Beaufort, Chuy's in Van Horn, TX, Watchmaker's in the Fitzpatrick Hotel in Washington, GA, Matsu Sige on Washington Rd in Augusta. 10. Elysian Fields - what we have been searching for all along. The benchmark with which all others are gauged. Examples: Bisbee Breakfast Club in (of all places) Bisbee, The Little Diner in Canutillo, TX.

The Poo Poo Platter

Hot Food By Calvin Augusta, Georgia I have never been so disappointed as I was today. For weeks, Diane and I had talked about eating at Hot Food By Calvin. The anticipation of the "Best Soul Food in Town" was great, the place came highly recommended by "Brother Al" - a part-time black minster from North Augusta who, from the looks of his girth, knows how to enjoy a good meal. Seeing the catering van from Calvin's racing all over town only strengthened the feeling that Calvin himself held the keys to our culinary salvation in the great restaurant wasteland. Today, Calvin taught us that there is no light at then end of the tunnel....no salvation...nothing to satisfy our quest for a meal that doesn't make you want to "return fire"...worship the goddess...Buick....Ralph...Call The Walrus...Yodel in the porcelain canyon....I think you get the point.... This place....This Wretched, Cursed Place....Damn you Augusta, for you truly are Culinary Hell! I ordered the Philly Cheese Beef Sandwich...$4.50 for shoe leather mushed with uncooked bell peppers...I almost broke my tooth trying to gnaw through what I can only guess must have been brisket at some point in history....ancient history... Something caught my eye....something small...moving, then stopping....I am not sure if the roach on the wall was signaling us to run...it just kind of stood there, wagging its little antennae at us for a few minutes...retreating back into the putrid grease that dripped down the counter.... Diane...she went the safe route.....ordered fried chicken...cole slaw side...fried green tomatoes...cornbread....uh huh... Glad to report that the chicken was actually pretty good. This was the one and only flash of hope in an otherwise horrific meal. Cole Slaw...straight from Sam's Club....The Cornbread....let me take a moment to speak to the cornbread.....I sampled the cornbread (trying to get the shoe leather taste out of my mouth)...this was a mistake. I chewed...and I chewed...and I tried to wash it down with some tea....and I chewed...this little chunk would not disintegrate....it was like I had a mouth full of corn flavored cement....this was the worst cornbread...and mind you, cornbread is tough to screw up....this was the worst cornbread I have ever contemplated. I personally did not know that you could make cornbread this bad...this is a new benchmark for what NOT to do.... It was at this point that Diane and I had our epiphany: With Augusta being the lowest plane of the culinary inferno, things are inverted here..."best" takes on new levels of bad here. There and then, we pledged that if folks claim, "Its the best in Augusta!", there is no way in hell we will even drive by it on the street. Then came the fried green tomatoes. Green....not really....more black on the outside...greenish on the inside...fried...oh yes, they were fried...the gallon of grease in each slice let us know that they were, indeed, fried... Dear God/Allah/Yahweh/Budda/Krishna/Your Higher Power Here...please don't make us ever repeat this...whatever we did...we won't do it again....we promise....

Why Ask Why?

Peggy's Diner Wrens, Georgia There are certain dishes that are staples in the Southern Diet. One of the cornerstones of the Southern Breakfast is the simple dish of Biscuits and Gravy. For those of you who have never made this entree, the biscuits are the hard part - but not THAT hard. The gravy is made from a combination of flour, grease (from sausage, bacon or just about any other meat), a little water and some seasoning. That's it....not really anything more than that. When Diane and I first moved to Georgia, we looked for a simple place to have breakfast - a Mom and Pop kind of place where you quickly become a regular. The kind of place where they see you coming in from the parking lot and your coffee is waiting at "your" table when you sit down. The kind of place where you can forget your money one day and they figure you will just pay them tomorrow when you come in....In my life, I have known many of these places...in Dallas, Arizona and elsewhere across the country. The first stop in the quest for just such a place was to talk to Jeff, the guy down at the local feed store. He has distinct opinions about things like this....places to eat....the weather...the government....gays....women....you name it, the guy has an opinion. I felt he could be trusted in his suggestion of Peggy's Diner, at the corner of US Highway 1 and Georgia Route 80, in Wrens, Georgia. Driving past Peggy's would make you believe that the food, the ambiance....something must be good. There are constantly cars in front of the place. This was going to be great! A place, just like what we had hoped for....and only 5 miles away! The first cause for alarm SHOULD have been the smell emanating from the place. I assumed that the stench of rotting trash pervading the parking lot must have come from the recent rain getting into the dumpster. I really didn't give it a second thought....oh how wrong I was. Upon entering Peggy's, I noticed that something was a little "off", although I couldn't put my finger on it immediately.....the seating....was...now, mind you that this was 2005....segregated. Whites on one side and blacks on the other side. As we stood there, trying to figure out where to sit, the lady pointed us to a table over in the "black" section. It seems that it is an area reserved for not only blacks, but for anyone who is an "undesirable" - a list which also includes (one can only assume) Mexicans, Middle Eastern Terrorists....and folks who did not have Wrens-area roots running back to the Civil War. Taking our seat on the "darkie" side, we waited....patiently...for the waitress to stop gabbing with the overall-clad, fat farmer on the "white" side. Waiting....waiting...waiting....the story must have been a good one! As the waitress laughed at whatever the punchline to the story was, she made eye contact with us across the room. Her expression went from smiling and laughing to a look I can only describe as contempt - within 2 seconds. Seeing as how I was not one of her cousin's brother-in-laws (singular cousin, plural brother-in-laws), I obviously was going to be an inconvenience....that whole "taking orders" and "serving food" thing thing just didn't seem to be what this woman wanted to be doing just at that moment. Grudgingly, this woman made her way across the room - gaining more and more contempt for us with every step. By the time she reached our table, she was downright adversarial, "What you want t'eat?" Until that moment, I don't think that I had ever pissed anyone off just by offering to pay them money for a service. She was smacking gum. Diane and I had stumbled upon the Anti-Flo! I didn't want to cause any trouble in the place, so I figured we would just order, eat and leave. "I just want an order of biscuits and gravy with a cup of coffee." Simple enough - or so I thought. "Look, we aint got no biscuits and gravy," she replied in the most protracted tone possible. Huh? This is the South, right? I quickly looked down the menu to see if they were actually offered and the kitchen was just out...or, the unthinkable thought that Peggy's kitchen staff doesn't know how to prepare them....The Score, Biscuits and Gravy:1, Peggy's:0. I shouldn't be suprised. The actual act of taking an order was taxing even the strongest Peggy's waitress, how could I expect them to mix....flour...grease....and water.... Hell, that is three ingredients! Ingredients which can be found in any traditional southern kitchen... I tried to make sense of it all. How could this be? You cook bacon or sausage on a stove, you get grease - the foundation.... Then it hit me. They don't cook sausage on the stove....When all you do is warm up Sam's Club food in a microwave, you don't have the raw ingredients for biscuits and gravy.... Where did we, as a society, go wrong? And this is....I assure you....most wrong. We are going to have to have a word with Jeff at the feed store about this....of course, I think that his cousin is no other than the famous Peggy herself. The search continues.

Circus Stars

The Question Let me start with a hypothetical: Have you ever met a person who was so ugly that they made you...mad? If this sounds like a harsh question - it is. I am not talking about unfortunates who have had accidents...nor am I talking about your run-of-the-mill ugly person...what I am talking about is a whole league of ugly that makes you upset with that person for even showing themselves in public. I am sure that to some aborigine in the bush somewhere, I am about as ugly as ugly comes. But this is America, we have rules (at least we should) about who can and can't go out in public. Harshness reigns supreme in this grotesque world. When Diane and I first moved to Georgia back in the late winter, I wanted to give her the total tour of my youth. We headed up to the mountains of western North Carolina for a chilling weekend of adventure. Little did I know that the chilling adventure was only going to get downright creepy on the way home. Dusk was falling as we rolled into the little hamlet of Livonia, GA - at the intersection of GA Rte 17 and I-75. Ahead I could see the sign for Shoney's....from my youth, Big Boy and all...the food was good as I recalled. The Introduction Let me state for the record that the sign "Kids Eat Free" should be avoided by adults traveling alone - at all possible costs. Georgia it seems, has become the home of the loud, fat, whiny, obnoxiously spoiled child. These kids throw food, whine about everything...generally behave in such a way that would have caused my mother to drag me outside by my ear and administer a little non-politically correct punishment. In short, I would have gotten a "whoopin". These parents, in comparison, think that little Johnny/Janey are so cute when they act out whatever it is that they want to do. I guess that throwing their food must be some sort of code for creatitivty that I am not aware of....I fear for the state of the country when these little tykes take over. The trampy hooker-wannabe who showed us to the table must have been the hostess....it is sad that Shoney's would not offer to furnish a uniform shirt for her that was not three sizes too small. Could it be that she made a little something extra on the side?....naah..."That's just how girls dress these days" was what a friend of mine once told me. I guess we had blue eyeshadow and parachute pants back in my time....okay....perhaps I should be a little less judgemental. Ummmm...naaah.... Supper is Served Supper (the evening meal) at Shoney's is served - as with 99.9% of the other places in Georgia - buffet style. All-you-can-eat is a way of life here...and it shows. The typical method is to have the hostess show you to your table, perhaps she may even ask what you want to drink. Once you have located your table, you just proceed straight to the trough - oh...I mean buffet. Diane and I made our way through the serving line which offered a complete selection of fried 'this' and fried 'that'. Keep in mind that I am from Alabama - I am used to frying things that perhaps should never see hot oil. This deep fried food bar did not scare me, although it put a lump in Diane's throat...I don't think that she was ready for the reality of Southern Fried Food. "When in doubt, batter it and drop it in hot lard." Don't Look Directly At It Upon a sucessful trip to the fried food extravaganza, Diane and I found our table began to enjoy all that Livonia had to offer - "stuff", and lots of it! That is when it happened... Seemingly out of nowhere it appeared at our table with a tray of drinks. It knew what we had ordered so it must have come into contact in some fashion with the hooker wannabe at the door. Where it originated, I won't hazard a guess...but it was as if it had stepped out of the lowest plane of Dante's Inferno. In retrospect, Diane and I think - and there cannot be enough stress on that word - that this was a she-beast. It had the body of an NFL linebacker, the hair of an African gorilla (on its neck)...and the teeth of a London cabbie - all five of them! The She-Beast put my drink down and I refelxively made eye contact, mummuring a "thanks". Oh how I will regret that moment. The She-Beast made me mad. How could this thing come out in public...especially when there were people eating!?!?! If the little fat kids could take one look up from cramming fried stuff in their plump little mouths, they would have cried and hidden behind thier momma's skirt (Lord knows she has a big enough one!) I expected to see Marlin Perkins pop out from behind the plastic plants and shoot this thing with a tranq dart. (look Jim, that is the exotic and extremely dangerous Wild Beast of Borneo...get in there and take it down!) I am locking my doors tonight because I know that this she-beast is out there...somewhere...lurking in the darkness. How can you do that to the general population? We don't need to know that things like this exist....with all the beauty that the world has to offer, there has to be something out there to balance it all out...and we found it serving food at Shoney's in Livonia, Georgia!!!! For the love of all things Holy, please get this image out of my head!!!!

Red Dye #2

I thought that those "hot links" you got as a kid that sported that totally unnatural shade of red were...to say the least, illegal to serve. I distinctly remember something from the 70's about Red Dye #2 and cancer...of course, maybe I was wrong... Coming back to Georgia (and more generally, the South) for the first time in over 20 years has led to a rather rude awakening. The Southern Food that I had promised my wife she would savor at every mealtime has vanished without a trace! Waffle House, McDonald's, Huddle House and Wretched Buffets of Warmed Over Sam's Club Food have become the norm. Gone are the days of gracious hostesses and charming chefs. The only holdover I can find is the incessant need to wrap silverware in paper or plastic sleeves (keeps the flies off). Flies, it seems, have no care whether the food is good or not...and neither do the patrons. Quantity rules supreme over quality. Back to the Red Meat Dogs: We often find ourselves in Louisville, GA (18 miles south of our house - which is in the geographic center of The Culinary Wasteland) sometime approaching normal mealtime. Broad Street Bistro, which "quietly opened" on Labor Day Weekend in downtown Louisville was the lunch (or dinner as they say here in Georgia) option we exercised today. According to the locals, Pansy's is the barometer against which all other establishments are measured. I guess that's true, but except for one "near miss", Diane and I have never been able to find it open (more about that one later). Today was no exception, Pansy's, with their WTF attitude of "closed on Saturdays", forced us down the street to the new (and I use this term ever so loosely) "Bistro". At first glance however, the "Bistro" held a moderate amount of promise...oh, what was that saying about appearances being deceiving? The restaurant space was fantastic, even (and especially) by "Big City" standards! Evidently, this must have been a turn-of-the-century store of some kind. The hardwood floors were refinished to a better than new sheen, the walls were exposed original raw brick....if the Wal-Mart purchased, 50's kitsch items hung on the wall hadn't been there, it would have had a stunning ambiance! I could have done with a little fewer freshly minted "antiques", such as the hard plastic, malt-shop tables. Okay, okay...so I am getting to the red meat dogs! Like I said, it was promising - by Georgia standards. The lady behind the counter was nice enough. She did let us know about the "Bistro Burger" which must have been made of something other than hamburger, because by her own admission it "just tastes different". Ooookay then....I opted for the Slaw Dog, mustard only - times two. I must admit that even I had a mental lapse at that very moment. How I can confuse slaw with kraut, I have no idea...and yet I did. Of course it must have been the mental vortex affecting both Diane and I evenly, because she made the same mistake...one only, with a "Soup of the Day" on the side. According to the counter lady, the soup was a wonderful tomato soup which was much better than the other option of potato soup. One thing I can say that I learned from this "Bistro" experience: look behind the counter BEFORE you order, not after! I am sure that if Diane had seen the look on my face when I saw the red hots rolling on the warmer, she would have called the paramedics...I think it is the look I would have if I ever had a stroke. These folks spent a lot of money making sure that the Broad Street Bistro was going to appeal to the demographic they wanted. The ambiance will wow and amaze so many of the patrons...I know that these ladies will get a kick out of so many people complimenting them....The patrons should hope that the pleasantly appointed bathrooms will be vacant when the meal comes. Red Dye #2 Meat Dogs, covered with Sam's Club Bucket O'Slaw, on a cold bun. The wonderful tomato soup, complete with some form of meat that Diane could not positively identify, had the distinct flavor of Campbell's Soup with a hint of dishwater. Finally, the one thing that I just positively cannot explain: a pickle spear...cut in half. These ladies spent thousands of dollars to make sure that the "Bistro" looked fabulous....and scrimped on a pickle to save $0.02. It also saved me from visiting the Broad Street Bistro again....who knows, someday, maybe Pansy's will actually be open....