Circus Stars

The Question Let me start with a hypothetical: Have you ever met a person who was so ugly that they made you...mad? If this sounds like a harsh question - it is. I am not talking about unfortunates who have had accidents...nor am I talking about your run-of-the-mill ugly person...what I am talking about is a whole league of ugly that makes you upset with that person for even showing themselves in public. I am sure that to some aborigine in the bush somewhere, I am about as ugly as ugly comes. But this is America, we have rules (at least we should) about who can and can't go out in public. Harshness reigns supreme in this grotesque world. When Diane and I first moved to Georgia back in the late winter, I wanted to give her the total tour of my youth. We headed up to the mountains of western North Carolina for a chilling weekend of adventure. Little did I know that the chilling adventure was only going to get downright creepy on the way home. Dusk was falling as we rolled into the little hamlet of Livonia, GA - at the intersection of GA Rte 17 and I-75. Ahead I could see the sign for Shoney's....from my youth, Big Boy and all...the food was good as I recalled. The Introduction Let me state for the record that the sign "Kids Eat Free" should be avoided by adults traveling alone - at all possible costs. Georgia it seems, has become the home of the loud, fat, whiny, obnoxiously spoiled child. These kids throw food, whine about everything...generally behave in such a way that would have caused my mother to drag me outside by my ear and administer a little non-politically correct punishment. In short, I would have gotten a "whoopin". These parents, in comparison, think that little Johnny/Janey are so cute when they act out whatever it is that they want to do. I guess that throwing their food must be some sort of code for creatitivty that I am not aware of....I fear for the state of the country when these little tykes take over. The trampy hooker-wannabe who showed us to the table must have been the hostess....it is sad that Shoney's would not offer to furnish a uniform shirt for her that was not three sizes too small. Could it be that she made a little something extra on the side?....naah..."That's just how girls dress these days" was what a friend of mine once told me. I guess we had blue eyeshadow and parachute pants back in my time....okay....perhaps I should be a little less judgemental. Ummmm...naaah.... Supper is Served Supper (the evening meal) at Shoney's is served - as with 99.9% of the other places in Georgia - buffet style. All-you-can-eat is a way of life here...and it shows. The typical method is to have the hostess show you to your table, perhaps she may even ask what you want to drink. Once you have located your table, you just proceed straight to the trough - oh...I mean buffet. Diane and I made our way through the serving line which offered a complete selection of fried 'this' and fried 'that'. Keep in mind that I am from Alabama - I am used to frying things that perhaps should never see hot oil. This deep fried food bar did not scare me, although it put a lump in Diane's throat...I don't think that she was ready for the reality of Southern Fried Food. "When in doubt, batter it and drop it in hot lard." Don't Look Directly At It Upon a sucessful trip to the fried food extravaganza, Diane and I found our table began to enjoy all that Livonia had to offer - "stuff", and lots of it! That is when it happened... Seemingly out of nowhere it appeared at our table with a tray of drinks. It knew what we had ordered so it must have come into contact in some fashion with the hooker wannabe at the door. Where it originated, I won't hazard a guess...but it was as if it had stepped out of the lowest plane of Dante's Inferno. In retrospect, Diane and I think - and there cannot be enough stress on that word - that this was a she-beast. It had the body of an NFL linebacker, the hair of an African gorilla (on its neck)...and the teeth of a London cabbie - all five of them! The She-Beast put my drink down and I refelxively made eye contact, mummuring a "thanks". Oh how I will regret that moment. The She-Beast made me mad. How could this thing come out in public...especially when there were people eating!?!?! If the little fat kids could take one look up from cramming fried stuff in their plump little mouths, they would have cried and hidden behind thier momma's skirt (Lord knows she has a big enough one!) I expected to see Marlin Perkins pop out from behind the plastic plants and shoot this thing with a tranq dart. (look Jim, that is the exotic and extremely dangerous Wild Beast of Borneo...get in there and take it down!) I am locking my doors tonight because I know that this she-beast is out there...somewhere...lurking in the darkness. How can you do that to the general population? We don't need to know that things like this exist....with all the beauty that the world has to offer, there has to be something out there to balance it all out...and we found it serving food at Shoney's in Livonia, Georgia!!!! For the love of all things Holy, please get this image out of my head!!!!