Scales Of Justice (The Heave-O-Meter)

Diane and I were trying to compare the horrific experience at Calvin's to some of our other stomach wrenching dining in the South and realized that we needed some sort of scale with which to rate such things. Mind you, this is subjective on my part, so Diane may tend to disagree - although not by much. This scale is admittedly slanted toward the lower end. I would not have to do this if the food in this area would not cause my lower end to slant. So, here is my first stab at a Heave-O-Meter: 1. Stomach Pump - a danger to the public health. The kind of dining which offers such delights as stomach cramps, late-night visits to the Kaopectate lounge and a round trip ticket for the meal d'jour. Examples: Amanda's in Aiken, The Villa South in Sandersville 2. Go To Your Room! - the place that restaurant owners should be ashamed of. These are especially bad because they have potential....which is wasted. Examples: Hot Food by Calvin in Augusta, Blue Desert Cafe in Cedar Key 3. Happy Place - not because they are a happy place, but for the need for me to "go to my happy place" during or after the meal - lest I go postal on the server. Peggy's in Wrens, Miss Cheryl's in Stapleton, Midville Diner in Midville, Boll Weevil Cafe in Augusta...the list goes on and on.... 4. Ed Wood - Holy Crap! What is that on the plate? Is it a B-Horror Movie or is it dinner? An overall scary experience, either from a culinary perspective or just plain freaky people. Examples: Shoney's in Livonia, Hardee's in Livonia, Just about everywhere in Livonia, The Villa South Sandersville (again), Broad Street Bistro in Louisville...I could go on, but for the love of things Holy, I won't. 5. It Could Be Worse - of course, it could be better too! The food at such places probably won't make you physically ill, the service probably won't require that you post bond at the local jail...but it just wasn't that good either. Examples: Malley's in Augusta 6. A Relative Term - "Good" almost comes to mind, but only when you realize that you are in The South and good doesn't mean the same thing round these parts. Example: The Mexican Place in Wrens (always forget the name) 7. Hit and Miss - You can't get everything right. Either the food was great and the service was horrible or vice versa. Example: The diner outside of Hinesville, GA 8. Solid - Good food, good service, good people. Solid performance across the board. Examples: Russell's on US 21 outside of Beaufort, the diner at the corner of GA RTE 17 and US 301 9. We'll Be Back - something special. Something about this place makes us remember the experience (in a good way)...the personal touch....the phenomenal food....something is...inspired. Examples: Katherine's in Beaufort, Chuy's in Van Horn, TX, Watchmaker's in the Fitzpatrick Hotel in Washington, GA, Matsu Sige on Washington Rd in Augusta. 10. Elysian Fields - what we have been searching for all along. The benchmark with which all others are gauged. Examples: Bisbee Breakfast Club in (of all places) Bisbee, The Little Diner in Canutillo, TX.